Tears came easy today...

There are many people whom have stayed together for the kids or for the sake of living with someone, anyone, just so they aren't alone. 

My tears came easy today. I've come to the realization that my husband never loved me and hasn't grown to love me. He is full of resentment of a life that never was. I am becoming resentful of a life hoped for, that started to happen, but has been all but ruined by depression due to too much disappointment. I don't want to leave my husband and break up my family because I am lonely.  Why do I want to run? Because I don't want to stay in a relationship that isn't. If I am going to be alone, I may as well be alone. So, I told my husband of 20 years that I plan to move out in a few months, as soon as we can fix his car and when the lease to our apt is up. 

Living with someone who resents you is lonely. They have no desire to make you want them. They take what you offer and that is the end of their "affection". He and I aren't giving enough for this to be a successful relationship. He has plenty of reasons to hate me. We don't like each other because we aren't enough of what the other needs. What is just as bad is, we can't give ourselves what we need either, so we stay together out of necessity. We drown our sorrows each day after work and the next day the disappointments start all over again. Insanity. 

How long before one of us just decides we can't keep on like we have? Not too long. I am begging God to bless my husband. If God blesses my husband then I will be blessed, our children will be blessed. I don't know the desires of my husband's heart but God does. I love my husband and want him to be happy. If he's happy, I am happy but we can't keep living a sad life. We have to find the joy in what we have.